Dear sinner,
I hope you don’t mind me addressing you in that way, but I found it be a blessing when someone points out to me just who I am. I’ll get to that later.
This blank document stares back at me as I wonder where I could even begin to start to explain the things God has done in my life through His power, strength, compassion, and kindness. I guess admitting that I don’t deserve any of it after the things I’ve done is a good place to start, knowing that maybe the person reading this sometimes also might feel like a failure.
Grace. A simple word with deep meaning that continues to show up in my daily life every morning. Here again, given to me, when I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I think it manifests itself in that first deep breath as an awareness settles into my heart: God loves me. And the proof in that is that I’m here writing this to you right now.
Where are my manners? Hi, I’m Kyle. My friends call me Ky. I’m a born-again Christian with a sin-soaked past. Even after being reborn, I struggle with sin, and, to be honest, I think most Christians do, but talking about it is really hard. I hope by writing this, I kick down a few of those bricks that keep the wall of shame separating us. We’re all human and more alike than we are different. And I know, because of our humanity, there is something in your life that you wish there wasn’t. Me, too.
I remember looking in the mirror and wondering how on earth God could “choose” someone like me. It made no sense. I knew little about the Bible. I had a massive blind spot when it came to sin in my own life. And if I’m being truly honest, I took God’s forgiveness of sin for granted for a long time.
My relationship with God was always there—it never disappeared by any means—but when the pandemic hit, things felt confusing. As a full-time working mom outside the home, my morning commute, AKA “my time spent with God,” disappeared. I used that alone time to pray, to talk to Him, to hand over worries and fears, and to relax and rest in His presence. I would use my lunch breaks to sit in my car and read the Bible. On my way home, I’d pray for strength to continue the work of a wife and mom and pray for the patience I would need upon entering the chaos that is the Lara household. Once the world shut down and I was home every day, waking up in chaos because my routines went out the window, I was submersed in fear of Covid-19. I felt like I couldn’t hear His voice anymore. I started to cope with stress in unhealthy ways.
It’s here that I’d like to mention my relationship with alcohol. Before the pandemic hit, I never would have even assumed I had a problem with drinking. I would drink socially and responsibly. It wasn’t until the world embraced a life-altering pandemic, and I didn’t know how to cope with the fear and stress it brought into my life that it became a daily habit. It is not that I would down an entire bottle of whiskey every night, but I was drinking every single evening. I also wouldn’t ever drink to excess—there was no blacking-out, vomiting, or alcohol poisoning—but in many ways it was worse. It was not at all obvious, in fact, it was very unnoticeable and even acceptable.
As soon as I started cooking dinner, I’d grab a hard seltzer. That first sip, unknowingly, was creating a reward system connection in my brain. I made it through another day, cheers! Some days, one was enough, on harder days, one could easily turn into four. And here’s something about alcohol that is really warped: It doesn’t take away anxiety, it just delays it. That delay showed up just in time for bed, and I found myself unable to sleep. The things I stressed about in the day that seemingly disappeared as I drank my drinks would pop into my head the minute I would lay down. The inability to sleep is debilitating. Don’t worry, I fixed it: I added sleeping pills to the mix.
It’s so strange writing this all down because, although I’m standing on the other side of this, I’m only now realizing the depths of trouble and darkness I was in that God pulled me out of. Taking inventory of His goodness brings me to tears.
Every story has a breaking point, right? Here’s mine. I went to visit friends whom I haven’t seen in nearly two years. In celebration of seeing my childhood best friend, we of course had a few drinks. The funny thing was, I was so careful about not overdoing it. I had bottles of water between my drinks, and I had a stomach full of food. What could go wrong? I woke up the next morning with a headache from hell. Literally.
It was July 4th. Our plans were to head to the pool, then spend the night at the baseball field watching a ball game followed by fireworks. Waking up feeling like that instantly brought on the weight of shame, which masked itself by pretending I was okay. If you know the weight of holding shame, I’m sorry. It’s a lot, and we were never meant to hold it. I chugged water, took some Tylenol, and headed to the pool with a heavy heart and a fake smile.
I still had fun, but it wasn’t me. It was not the vibrant, fun-loving, young-hearted, full-of-life Ky. It was a subdued, forcing my way through, trying hard to be happy Ky. And no offense, but she sucks and isn’t really all that great to be around. And of course, after spending the day feeling like crap, the only normal thing to do would be to drink again that night. Yep, the vicious cycle continued. This time was different though. I knew how awful that headache was that I had just experienced, and there was no way I would want to be in the car for three hours driving home the next morning with a hangover. I limited myself to one drink. It didn’t even taste good.
After coming home, I craved God. I can’t explain it other than that, and I only know that feeling because it’s not the first time in my faith-walk that I’ve wandered away. I felt so far from Him, but thankfully there are a few places where I know I can reach Him. One place is Riverbend Community Church. The service that was preached July 4th was recorded online, and so on Monday, July 5th, I sat down with a basket of laundry that needed to be folded and listened to a life-changing message by Pastor Chris Dean. He spoke about a fractured life that had come to an unnecessary end because of addiction and an eye-opening awakening that he was living that same fractured life. BOOM. My heart recognized the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and I knew this message was meant for me at this time.
After hearing that message and buying the book that Pastor Chris suggested, my life has been incredibly different. I'm now 15 days sober. I haven’t had a sip of alcohol, and the sleeping pills are no longer needed. If you’re thinking, “Wow, what an accomplishment”, you’re right… but I hope you realize that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Jesus. I mean, it’s the Gospel coming to life before your very eyes—a part of His story and His glory. And well, the fact that I get to be a part of it all makes me want to fall on my face in worship, which I do, daily, in place of my hard-seltzer habit.
In the book, John Elmore writes, “It is Christ’s will to eradicate sin and addiction from the church, and He will sanctify His bride, one person at a time, one struggle at a time, and one day at a time.” And this truth is found in Ephesians 5:25-27.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
Listen, amidst the year 2020 when the pandemic was at its height, as well as my stress and fear, I tried going a day or two without alcohol and felt really proud of myself, but it was so difficult and tiresome as my mind was constantly thinking about that drink in the back fridge waiting for me after a long day. And after that day or two would pass, I rewarded myself with double the amount I’d typically drink. To say I’m 15 days sober is almost unbelievable, but I know it’s possible because I brought Jesus into the fight against what was made to destroy me. And in true God-fashion, He took what was meant for my harm and turned it into something good. Freedom.
I’ve since started a sober-living journal where I am able to write out my feelings, thoughts, struggles, and temptations as I confess to God that I can’t do another 24 hours without alcohol without His strength. It’s my little book packed with confession, surrender, thanksgiving, and—most of all—hope for a future where I keep God first always.
There is no way I’d want to end this without telling you that this is not just me and God doing this work together. It’s all God and then some. God has brought the people into my life that are encouraging and keep me accountable. He has given me a husband who is supportive and understanding. He has given me children who deserve a present mom, not a hungover one. He has given me a community of believers who want to see me succeed in what God has for me. And He has given me the heart to recognize His faithfulness in my life, so that when I do mess up, I will remember that it’s in my weakness that His strength can carry me on to begin again. One day at a time.
Special thanks to Pastor Chris for sharing his struggle and the book, Freedom Starts Today by John Elmore, which has been life-altering, and to Riverbend Community Church for not only preaching the Gospel but living it out as they walk alongside the ones who are willing. From one sinner with struggles to another, I am forever changed because of the way Jesus loves you. It’s His love in you that has overflowed from your heart right into mine.
A sinner with a Savior,
Ky